Once again, doing nothing with myself. I think I’m depressed. Not emotionally, but intellectually. I’m apathetic, deeply apathetic. Is it possible to be depressed without the emotional component? For me, it’s all about getting something done – I’m off work this week, and rather than starting a staycation, I’m sitting around, staring at the computer, doing nothing. I should be writing, reading, watching good movies and TV, going out to explore the city, but I’m not. I don’t want to do any of those things, and I nearly don’t care if I don’t. The couch calls out to me for naps. I wake up early, raring to go – but go where, and do what then? Motivation is something the meds do not provide. They’ve got my sadness, loneliness, hopelessness covered very well. Those horrible emotions are squashed. But the get up and go? Nowhere, nothing.

I think real depression, the keep-you-in-bed-weeping kind, when it leaves, leaves you with some bad habits of mind. In my case, it’s a torpor. My previous therapist could only say, “just do it,” not realizing that he was quoting the Nike ads. He almost uttered the phrase, “baby steps.” I could tell he wanted to say it.

I know what the solution is. Take on one small project per day, give myself a gold star for doing it, then move on to the next day, and the next, and before I know it, I’ll be moving and doing. But the initial inertia is so difficult, the habit of mind so ingrained, I don’t care about making the first step.

Perhaps a sunny self-help book? First, I gotta get up the motivation to go to the book store and read the fucking thing…