After Midnight Effects
4:30 am, buds, and you know what that means. Electric fire on the brain. Not just awake but really really awake – but not aware that this is very out of whack. I think I’ll make it all day on less than 5 hours of sleep, every time. I guess not this time. I almost bought some clothes online that I can’t afford atm.
I do the most insane things. I drink coffee almost every time, without sanity. Sometimes somehow pot gets involved, without sanity. Things are bought, etc.
So I’m beginning to have almost daily cycles – up and ecstatic in the early morning, fucked by anxiety and paranoia the rest of the day. The real kind, not the loopy pot kind. There’s a major difference. The real kind has always been here before.
And the shrink says, Why do you think you call it the “real” kind, making those quotation marks with his voice and eyebrows rising.
So I’m learning After Effects instead of sleeping or spending. Seems a relatively manicky thing to do, but safe. Nobody gets hurt except for design and aesthetics – I mess them up pretty regularly.
Does your shrink at least believe that you experience a difference between “real” paranoia and the pot-induced kind? Is he doing anything for you?
Something it took me awhile to realize is that drinking to much, whether it’s coffee or alcohol, is a symptom of Things Not Going Well. It seems he should be more concerned (maybe he is, but he doesn’t come across as concerned here).
After Effects is a fun program. I used it for a motion graphics class, and almost finished my filk — and then somehow photoshop ate all my source images. That was two years ago and I haven’t had the motivation to go back and redo it. Sigh.