Paranoia at work, a ruin of a day, as in, a 15th Century castle without the pretty ivy growing on the walls. Just a crumbled ruin. Without going into the details, my computer shat the bed today, and there’s a possibility that some in the tech department may think it was my fault. A full day’s work lost, and many people trying to fix it. This, of course, got blown up in my bipolar and crazy mind to be something much much more than it was. I had plenty of time to ruminate while my computer was being repaired — nothing to do in the meantime — and I’m still coming down from the stress, the 12-hour workday spent trying to fix the problem, and the paranoia. My daily dose of clonazepam is a nerf battling ram against those ruined castle walls.

How do you turn off the stress, once it gets going like a wildfire? You strain not to think about work, you watch TV? A movie? This doesn’t keep me from ruminating. i just ignore the show and continue on with my dark thoughts, and meanwhile everyone else from the day, the techs working on the computer, the assistants helping, my colleagues watching on, all probably snug in their beds, minds far from the office.

Work can be my biggest obstacle to recovery. I did post recently about loving Mondays because they made me feel needed and took my mind off the void of the weekend, the hours of stress of living inside my head rather than engaging in other-directed thinking. Maybe Tuesdays are a different animal altogether.