Making me nervous
So I’m nervous. I just popped a half milligram of clonazepam to help me come down from this nervous high. This morning I was sweating under my armpits like a madman. Well, I was a madman, nervous and anxious about nothing. The bipolar getting to me. An anxiety of no mood-quality whatsoever, it could have gone in any direction — despair, fear, self-hating, or upwards into a kind of mania. Turned out it went nowhere in particular, just an amorphous, cloudy feeling of disquiet. There are things I can’t describe very well: this feeling that everything’s not going to be all right and, at the same time, a teetering on the edge of believing the opposite. Just a kind word and I’m flip-flopping back into optimism. My wife came home and told me everything was OK and I believed her, believe her, even though my body is telling me something very different.