Not knowing how I’m doing at work right now. Not sure of anything right now, the bipolar having taken from me my ability to know real from imagined. What’s imagined is that I’m doing a horrible job at work, that others are only tolerating my presence. This feeling neatly coincides with my reduction in the amount of Abilify I take from 20 milligrams to 15. I’m a freelancer, so I’m always worried about my performance — am I going to be hired by this or that outfit again? Will I get good references from these people? Could those 5 milligrams be so powerful that they’ve made me call into question everything about my life so suddenly? I’d promise myself that I’d take two weeks on the lower dose of Abilify to see how I do. I wonder, too, whether two weeks is enough time to know. I’m just a bundle of nerves and questions, important questions that I don’t even know the beginnings of an answer to.