Milligrams

What other people have, how frequently I think about this —  the plain vanilla moods, the smooth socializing, the senses of humor.  Everything that bipolar depression takes away from you.  A two-day dip in mood — does that qualify as something bipolar, or is that just life staring back at you, challenging you?  The bad habits continue, the self-degredation, the self-hatred, the envy of other peoples’ lives.  But not their lives, exactly, just their emotional centeredness.   Going out with them, other people, and I fall into a private despair, wishing I were more like them.  And every moment spent envying someone is a moment not being yourself, betraying who you are, replacing yourself with a kind of demon.

So, a resolution: don’t covet what other people have, because doing so only makes the pain worse.