I don’t feel like I have bipolar anymore. I’ve started disbelieving. It’s beyond belief that I would have this disorder. I’m not going through the extreme highs and lows, I never get the massive manias. Plus, my life is enough to make me look crazy. Not that my life is bad, but it has its extremely bad moments. Being asked my age at work. Being asked about my recent history and not being able to include the depression, the big D, in the story. The life-changing event in my head that leaked out into my life in ways I never thought a mood could. It was more than mood, it was spirit and it was identity.

But I’m not feeling the depression now. I’m not feeling the highs or the lows, and I miss them. I’ve reduced my Lamictal dose 50%. This is in hopes that a light mania (if one exists in me) can make its way out. I’m considering going down even further, but I’m wary for one reason: if the mania does come back, and it comes back in a black form as major depression, I want to be able to take more Lamictal immediately. If I’m on an extremely low dose, I risk getting the rash by going up in dosage quickly. And so I wait with this uncertainty: do I have the disease, and does the answer matter very much?