A little something
Welcome to my blog about bipolar depression.
I will tell you what’s been working for me lately, as in, the last few days. Taking lots of clonazepam. Like triple the amount Dr prescribed to me, which wasn’t very much to begin with. I think he started me off with 1.0 milligrams during the entire day and I think I need something more like three milligrams. There I was yesterday morning nearly going out of my head with anxiety over nothing at all. Over having nothing to do, no hobbies, not avocations, no writing, nothing that I came all the way out here to do and took out loans to do. Nothing that I would say I was raised to do. And that brings with it a lot of guilt and anger turned toward myself. To not be doing the thing you think you’re meant to do. Isn’t that the worst thing you can (not) do to yourself? Doesn’t that bring on the drinking and the drugging, the worse of the compensatory behaviors, the worst of the self-attacks and the self-hatreds? In this society where there’s so much freedom, those whose self-confidence and self-worth are so low thanks to mental illness, don’t they have a special level of hell? The level were nothing happens, where people (their friends and the people they see on TV) pass them by? Where they feel worse sometimes by the day because they can’t do, or even bear to think about doing, the thing they came here to do?
So earn a little money and occasionally go out and buy yourself a little something.
Maybe I should try some clonazepam. The Xanax just doesn’t seem to be doing the job. I have considerable compassion for you. I wake up every day asking myself, wtf was I thinking when I decided to become an entertainer? Now, I’m 54 years old, entertainment budgets have been vaporized by the economic recession, my profession is being overrun no talent punks with no regard for the special medium they practice (hypnosis), racing each other to the bottom of the pay scale just to get work, me out of the job market for 15 years with no other marketable skills… I am now essentially unemployed with little or no prospects in the foreseeable future, the love of my life left me… I need a new drup. I do have my health, although I’ve lost 20 lbs in the past 6 weeks. Anxiety, no appetite. I don’t really feel i have much to live for right now. I’m just hangin’ out to see where it all goes. Right now, looks like to all goin’ to hell in a rusty bucket… where’s that friggin’ xanax bottle…
Are you in therapy? Maybe your doc can help you get clonazepam — it’s done me wonders. It’ll help you to tackle your problems with a calmer, more collected mind. I hope things work out for you!