Having nothing to say but not minding because there’s no one to say nothing to. Like I’m practicing lyrics, some kind of indie lyrics, the repetition the self-absorption. Painful as hell, this desire without ability. Funny, because I’m taking something called Abilify. I almost wrote that I was “on” something, but saying you’re on something [...]
In the morning I pay attention for about .5 hours to the newspaper and RSS feeds. I pay no attention while I am on the subway and I miss being able to do that. I pay attention at work for about 2 hours before lunch and at lunch I pay absolutely no attention. 3 hours [...]
On my theory that depression is a mental virus, a whopping, wholistic meme: it’s global and permanent, like the thought itself. Its vector is talking about depression in certain ways, and a sick mixture of stigma and pride. Early on, pride in not sleeping, in being stressed out expressed itself in the culture (see the [...]
every thousand years
this metal sphere
ten times the size of Jupiter
floats just a few yards past the earth
you climb on your roof
and take a swipe at it
with a single feather
hit it once every thousand years
`til you’ve worn it down
to the size of a pea
yeah I’d say that’s a long time
but it’s only half a blink
in the [...]
Begin again the reassembling of the routine that was blown away and atomized out of memory by the bipolar. What did I used to like? Working back into the desire for something real tends to open up the memory bank, and out tumbles something painful. I just wanted routine but I got memories of old [...]
Something needs attending to. Whatever happens in the moment between sleep and waking it takes me up and out of sleep and sits me on the side of the bed hunched over, swaying. Coursing through me a wakening and a broadening like an animal sense taking over and blooming outward. It’s night and I’m safe. [...]
Other people’s evenings are inconceivably alien and distant. I drove through suburbs three months ago feeling homesick. Wanting the kitchen, the wandering around loneliness, the TV in the bedroom and the quiet. The impersonal hollowness and the sadness of my kid years, when I wanted to live in the suburbs.
The underlit garage awnings and the [...]